Dating is complicated enough without baggage. But, when the baggage is a marriage that didn’t work out, things can get confusing. All of us are seen through labels of our relationship status, among others. If someone is single well into their adulthood, they are seen as too high-headed, or perhaps, just difficult to be with. If someone has been with the same person for several years, they are seen as either boring or grounded. A serial monogamist is seen as too picky. And a divorcee is seen as… damaged goods. None of these are accurate or fair descriptions. People change, and one’s romantic alliance is often the least important of the things that define them. That said, “single,” “committed,” “complicated,” or even “married” can change at any point. You can enter a relationship, leave one, uncomplicate the other, and walk out of your marriage. But, if you’ve been divorced, regardless of where your life takes you, you will always be divorced. That has its bearings. And if you’re interested in dating someone who is divorced, forget everything you’ve ever believed in, and understand these seven things…
They don’t need you
They’ve been there, done that. They’ve been in the dating market, marriage market, marital bliss, and come out the other side. They’ve learned to enjoy being on their own, and, in all likelihood, in the aftermath of the demise of their marriage, learnt to build a life of their own which they live on their own terms. They don’t need you for money, or social validation, or even comfort. If they welcome you into their life, then that means that they WANT you. And that means a lot more than someone basing a relationship on need.
They don’t have patience for your bullshit
They have learnt to see things for what they are, and call out bullshit. They can smell your insecurities from a mile away, and they don’t have the time or patience for that. What they are looking for is someone who will make their life better, because they are not going to risk having their life turned upside down yet again. So, if they feel that all you will bring with you drama and complications, you won’t be very welcome.
You aren’t the most important thing in their life
Divorce teaches you that you can not make any one relationship the centre of your existence. Most people who have survived failed marriages have learnt to develop solid friendships, and other bonds that they count on, and hold them in high regard. This is their support system, and a new lover will never be above this.
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It won’t be anything less than equal
This applies to everything. Finances, household chores, who is initiating plans. You can’t be lazy, and you can’t take all the control.
Keep the romance alive
What does someone who has mastered being by themselves look for, when they start dating? It’s not money. They have their finances figured out. Not company either. They probably have a more solid social circle than those who are in relationships. It’s certainly not social validation. Sex, maybe. But then, they don’t need to date in order to get laid. The one thing that no other person can bring in, is romance. Romance doesn’t have to be in grand gestures. Cook for them once in a while. Send them a good morning text. Tell them you miss them if you haven’t seen them for a couple of days. In simple words, make them feel special.
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No room for games
Either be with them, or don’t. Lay your cards on the table, and be clear about what you are looking for. They don’t have time for mind games, and no, your manipulation and playing it cool attitude doesn’t turn them on.
Take it slow
They probably know what they want, but need time to make sure that it is what they are getting. Don’t rush them. Take it slow, and focus on the process of being with each other, rather than giving it a name, or putting a ring on it.